There was a lot going on in my life this year, somewhat behind the scenes. (Though of course some of it leaked out. Damn reality.) Makes it hard to talk about certain things without bringing up other things.
There was a woman this year. Okay… there were two women this year. But there was one woman who really helped turn my life upside down. Haven’t had a crush like that in… well… forever. But rather than sit back and pine and admire from afar, I told her how I felt.
See… as far as I always knew, that’s where the drama was supposed to end, one way or another. This is either a good thing for them, or not. But as I recently wrote, my outlook up to that point had not been particularly realistic nor mature. I wish I could go back and have had just a tiny bit of understanding for that brief time. Not because I want to change the outcome. I can’t find the words to say why. But that’s what I wish.
I had some problems. I never should have gone in with assumptions, first of all. It set me off on the wrong foot to start with. There were misunderstandings. Oh so many misunderstandings and miscommunications. And there was very much me not being in the frame of mind that I should be. (I know that one’s still a bit vague, but that’s all you get for right now.)
I’m trying to think of how to describe her. It’s hard to look back to immediately before everything, and remember what I thought of her then. Like what I saw before was a shell of something. (Not to say I know the whole story now.) But some things hold true, still. Her and I led very different lives. But there’s more in common between our backgrounds than almost any friend I have. She is smart in a way that’s almost scary. She’s said she bullshits some of it, but I’ve yet to catch her at it. Every topic. Every idea. Every argument. And she does have the opinions to go with that knowledge. Oh my gawd, when she gets passionate about something…it’s a joy to watch and hear. I just sit there smiling like a dummy. And she is beautiful. I’ve been trying for 10 minute to figure out how to describe her beauty, and I can’t find a fitting way. I think I did tell her once, perfectly. But I’ll be damned if I share that moment with everyone else. Just know that there are times where the sight of her can just make my brain stop. If you know what that means, then you know what that means.
That’s just the surface shit. The stuff I knew before, and still believe. When we thankfully came out the other side of the surprisingly short bit of drama, I was left with a much more complex picture than I imagined existed. But I think I was left with a different, better friendship as well. And one of a kind that I needed right now. I know this sounds like the immediate justifications of someone who didn’t get the girl. I keep worrying it is. But it’s been about 6 months now. And she’s still incredible.
Hopefully this is out of my system now. Been wanting to write something about this since day 1. Though.. you know… if I disappear in a few weeks, after she’s read this, could you send someone ’round to collect the remains?